What it’s Like

I’m tired. So tired. Exhausted on another level. My brain fogged over and my body decided it was time for eternal rest…. although I still breathe. I’m just so tired. I’m tired when I wake up, I’m tired when I lay down. I’m so tired that being tired is just an undercurrent of every other aspect of my being.

I feel like I could sleep for weeks. I’ve changed the way I eat, I’ve changed my level of physical activity. I do not stay up late if I can help it. (Bouts of insomnia have been a life-long battle) I’m not depressed, exactly. I mean… I’m not sad. I don’t feel upset or crying for no reason type of unhappy. I feel satisfaction in the tasks I am able to complete. I’m just so fucking tired.

The thought of trying to get diagnosed with something just feels exhausting. Even if they could give me a name for why I’m tired, how could it possibly help? I’ve had shoulder and back pain for almost ten years and all the doctor told me was to lose weight. I just can’t even with this shit. Even when I mentioned that I have an organic slipped disc that may be affecting that entire side of my body he brushed me off. By the time I got an appointment with a woman doctor my healthcare was cancelled because I switched jobs… so no more healthcare for me.

The downward spiral of my health has been on my mind lately, as you can see in previous posts. I’m just wondering if this is just my life now. I know aging comes with it’s surprises. Women’s health keeps hitting these brick walls for the sake of political and religious tyranny. It feels like being swept out to see and there are thousands of boats within arms reach and they all turn a blind eye.

I haven’t been blogging lately because everything I think to blog about comes out as a complaint. A long winded whine about something. I know there is plenty of negativity on the internet. That’s part of the reason why I haven’t been streaming lately. I just want to complain. I see so many things I’m just sad about. My opinions are opinioning and I feel alone when I speak them out loud.

Book 4 is moving right along. I’ve posted some leaks on my Patreon but I’m not sure how to market those things. I’m on (one of) my final read throughs. Beefing it up a bit. Clarifying some scenes. Expressing some emotions that I’m not sure are implied well. Making a jumbled mess complete thoughts. It’s nearly March and I wanted this book out early January. Instead of being frustrated I’m trying to be constructive. Sometimes I sit in front of my work document and my eyes start to close from how exhausted my brain is.

Sometimes it feels like I’m a hamster in a wheel and I’m running and running. I’m running so much that it’s scary to get off the moving wheel that could possibly launch me into the unknown. I’m so tired though. So very tired. I just want to step off. I’m so tired but I just keep going.